Day 6: What Not To Say (Edited)

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 6:  What Not To Say

*Edited to add:  Please don't feel bad if you have said one of these things to me in the past.  I understand that it is really hard to talk to someone about their dead children, and that it's really hard to know what they want to hear. Everyone is so different.  I've learned this recently, with support groups I've attended.  Some people don't want to mention their child's name, some do. Some don't want to relive every single moment, some do.  Everyone grieves differently and wants different things.  I know you meant well, and I don't hold it against you. I never called anyone up and said what I wanted to hear and what I didn't want to hear, so you really had no way of knowing. 

You can always have another.

                Do you know this for a fact? Can you guarantee I won’t have another loss? No, you can’t. So don’t say it.  And would you say this to someone who lost their parent? Or their sibling? No, you wouldn’t. So don’t say it to me.  Even if we do someday have another child Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth will not be forgotten or replaced.  I will still grieve for them. I will still miss them. They will always be my children.

You’re young.

                What does my age have anything to do with this?  Do I hurt less because I’m only 28?  No, I don’t.

I know how you feel; I (had a miscarriage, lost a pet, lost a loved one, etc.)

                While you may understand the feelings of loss, you have NO IDEA how I am feeling. 

It was God’s Plan.

                Maybe that’s what you believe, but I don’t.  I can’t see any reason why my 3 children had to die, why they would be given to me just to be taken away.

Let me know if you need something.
                Many people say this, and I’m sure they mean well, but it’s pointless.  I’m not going to be a burden and ask you for anything.   Just do something. Send us a card, send a quick e-mail saying you are thinking of us, just stop over, or give us a call. Sometimes it’s the little things that let us know you are thinking of our children that are the most helpful. 

You’re so small.

                Are you trying to make me feel worse?  What does this even mean? That I’m too tiny and it’s my fault they died because I was ‘too small’ to carry them? For the record, all of my doctors have said that my size has nothing to do with what happened.  And I know plenty of women, some smaller than I am, who have carried and delivered 3, 4, even 5 healthy babies. 

Three would have been too much for you anyway. 

                  I have no words for this one. It angers me so much, more than I can even describe. 

But by far, the worst thing you can say is nothing at all. 

                I’m so hurt by the people who ignore me, or talk to me like nothing happened.  My babies were born.  They lived.  I touched their 30 tiny toes, their 30 tiny fingers. I held them, I loved them.  They were fully formed beautiful babies, just born too soon.  Don’t ignore the fact that we have 3 beautiful children.  Don't give up on us.

*Edited to add:  I understand why people say nothing, because they don't know what to say to me.  But sometimes, just saying I don't know what to say is better than not saying anything.  And please realize, I am writing this now, four months after my babies died.  In the very beginning, no, I didn't want to talk about anything.  But now, I do. I want to talk about my babies. I want to share their photo book with you if you want to see it.  I want to have things around my house to remember them by.  I want their memories to live on.