Merry Christmas!

    Merry Christmas! A little late, but better late than never.  

    I miss my babies every single day, but holidays are especially difficult.  It's so hard to focus on the good when all I can think about is that I should have 3 precious babies in my arms. I normally love Christmas, but didn't have it in me to celebrate this year.  So we changed things up. No decorations, no tree, no holiday meals. Instead, we went on an all-inclusive vacation with my family to the Dominican Republic.  I wasn't able to bring the babies with me, so I brought their bears and took those everywhere I went so I felt like I had my babies close to me.  The beach was beautiful, the drinks plentiful and the weather sunny and warm.  Although a perfect holiday would have included my children, it was as good as it could be and I had a nice, relaxing week.  Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth were, and always will be, on my thoughts constantly.  I miss them so much.

6 Months

     This time, 6 months ago, I was mourning the loss of my first son.  Ryker Joseph was born at 7:40 in the morning, sleeping.  When they first handed him to me, all bundled up in a blanket, I couldn't understand why they weren't trying to save him.  I was in horrible pain and so confused.  I had just seen his heart beating a few hours before and they told me he had a chance at survival, even being born this soon  How could he be dead?  Babies are supposed to come out crying, moving.  Not silent and still.  It was honestly the worst moment of my life up until that point.  My baby was dead.  And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the doctors told me to start pushing for baby 2.  I thought I was scared and confused before, but now it was even worse.  All I remember as I sat in that bed holding my dead baby was that I had at least one living baby still inside of me. I wasn't sure if it was Tommy or MaryElizabeth, but someone was kicking up a storm as I held Ryker.  I didn't want to deliver them. I wanted them to stay inside me where they were safe, where they could keep growing.  But my body failed me and they were both born, alive, a few hours later. 


       I miss them so much.