29

     Yesterday was another occasion I had to celebrate without my children.  I turned 29 and there were no 9 month old babies there to say happy birthday to me.  Not that they would have been able to sing, but I know they would have loved helping me blow out the candles (practice for their 1st birthday) and I know they would have made an adorable mess eating all that chocolate icing. 

     29.  Only 1 more year until the big 3-0.  One more year until my fertility starts to decline.  1 more year until it will become a reality that I am not where I want to be in life.  I had always said I would have my family complete by the time I was 30 and would be living in my dream home.  I don't really see either of those becoming a reality.  Or maybe it will. Maybe our family is complete.  Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth are the children I wanted. They are the children we were supposed to raise. They are our family.  Maybe I'm not meant to mother living children.  I don't know. 

9 Months

     Moms are supposed to carry their babies for 9 months, not note 9 months since they died. 

     9 month old babies are fun: crawling, playing with toys, smiling, babbling.  All I get to do with my 9 month old triplets is hold their ashes and cry. 

     I don't think this is ever going to get easier.