Day 29: Music

Day 29: Music

     I have nothing for this one.  I should be able to say Rock a Bye Baby, or You are My Sunshine, or some other lullaby. But you know what, I never got to sing my babies a song.  And I never will be able to. 

Day 28: Memory

Day 28: Memory - Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

     The first thing that popped in my mind was the day I picked up the babies.  I was still in so much physical pain so it was a long, bumpy drive out to Philly to pick them up.  I remember everything about the drive and walking into the funeral home.  I'll never forget that moment when I was handed a box with the 3 tiny white boxes that held what was left of my children.  I remember clutching that box, with tears rolling down my face, as the funeral home director went over the paperwork. I couldn't tell you one word he said.  All I could think about was that I gave birth to 3 beautiful babies, and this is all I get? I wanted to take home my 3 babies, not a box of ashes.  It's not fair.

Day 27: Artwork

Day 27: Artwork

 

 

I know, I already used this picture, but I think it's okay to break the rules.  This is the only piece of artwork I have that someone (my niece!) made for the babies.  Kara, if you still have this I'd love to have it!

 



Day 26: Their Age

Day 26: Their Age

22 Weeks, 6 Days. 

That's how long I had with my babies.  Not nearly long enough. 

Day 25: Baby Shower

Day 25: Baby Shower - Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

     I'm skipping this one.  I don't really think it will be helpful for me to look at all the adorable gifts my coworkers gave me, knowing my babies will never use those things. 

    

Day 24: Siblings

Day 24: Siblings

     Obviously I don't have any living children that are affected by grief, but Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth do have 2 older cousins who had to learn what heaven was when they died.  Although they never got to meet the babies, my one niece definitely understood that her cousins were in my tummy and I'm sure she would have been so excited to meet them. 

Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

 Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth

    
This was my favorite ultrasound picture: all 3, together, strong heart beats, and in 3-D.  I never thought that this would be the only picture I have of them alive together. 

Day 22: Place of Care/Birth

Day 22: Place of Birth



Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania

Day 21: Alter/Shrine/Sacred Place

Day 21: Alter/Shrine/Sacred Place

     
     This isn't really an alter or a shrine, it's more like their special place for when they're not with me.  It's right next to my bed and has the most important things to me: My wedding picture, their ashes, their bears, and my wedding rings. 

Day 20: Charity/Organization

Day 20: Charity/Organization


http://www.marchofdimes.com/

Day 19: Project

Day 19: Project

     It hurts so much to think that about how different my life should be right now.  Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth should be home with me. My weekends, and my weekdays for that matter, should be so busy, filled with taking care of 3 babies. But they're not. They're empty and pointless.  If my babies were here, I'd be getting them ready for fall.  Putting away their infant summer clothes and taking out their fall clothes. I'd be getting their blankets out, preparing for the cooler weather.  But just because they're not here doesn't mean I can't do some of those things. 

     So I decided to make my babies a blanket.  They would be cold right now, with the changing of the seasons, so I did what a mommy would do and made them a soft blanket to cuddle with.  Not how I ever imagined I'd be making a blanket, but it does make me feel a little better to do something for them.  So here's a picture of my project for this month, a blanket for my babies:

All tucked in for bed.

Day 18: Family Portrait

Day 18: Family Portrait

Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Date

Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Date

     I don't have any pictures to share for this, but I will next year.  I am constantly thinking about my babies and I don't need a day to help me remember them. But I do admit that on the 9th of each month I do think about them a little more, and imagine all the things they would be doing at that age. I think about the cute little coordinating outfits I would put them in for their monthly pictures. I imagine what I would be doing with them. I imagine that now, at 4 months, they would be interacting with each other a little more. I imagine how happy that would make me, to see the three of them together, smiling.  And then I cry. Because I will never get to see that.
     So every month on the 9th is especially difficult for me, but I don't really do anything special. I can't right now, it's just too hard. But their first birthday, well, that is going to be a very special day. 

    

Day 16: Release

Day 16: Release

     (Picture coming soon!)

     At first, I wasn't sure what to do today.  I thought about releasing balloons, but that just didn't feel right.  I don't know why, I just didn't want to do that.  Then I thought about releasing the lanterns my very thoughtful cousin sent us, but I want to save that for their first birthday.  I've literally been staring at this empty post for an hour, thinking about what I could possibly do, but nothing seems right.  And then it dawned on me: a butterfly release!  And I know just the person to help:

http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/

      This woman lost her triplets, also 2 boys and a girl, and releases butterflies in memory of any baby lost too soon.  So I just sent an e-mail asking her to release butterflies for Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth.  I'll update the picture as soon as it comes in!

Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 15: Wave of Light

At 7:00 I held my babies and lit these candles in their memory.

 Blue for Ryker, green for Tommy,

pink for MaryElizabeth and white for LoveBug.

 

 

I also lit a few candles for some special people in my life.

 

 And dedicated this infinity candle to all of the babies whom were taken too soon.

 

Thank you so, so much to everyone who sent me a picture.  It makes me so happy to know that others are thinking of my babies and it really helped make a difficult night a little easier.  Thank you.



 

Here's the link for the slideshow:
https://picasaweb.google.com/117346583957489516714/October152012?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCMzZ9_bli_D8Zg&feat=directlink

October 15

     October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours.  If you have time to light a candle in memory of our trio, please text or e-mail me (mfsmolens@gmail.com) the picture so I can create a slide show that I will share with everyone.

Thanks!

Day 14: Community

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 14:  Community

     I just recently went to my first event, a rembrance walk. It was at the Navesink Fire House, and Michael went with me.  There was food, a candlelight walk, desserts, and a chinese auction.  Everyone there has experienced a loss and though it's sad to talk to everyone, it's comforting to know you're not alone.  It's helpful to hear from others how they have dealt with difficult situations and everyone had a hug and a story to share.  I'm sure being around a bunch of crying women wasn't Michael's idea of a fun night, but as usual, he was a good sport and stayed by my side the entire night.  And we won two baskets at the auction, a Christmas basket with an Elf on the Shelf (something he's been wanting) and a Dunkin Donuts coffee basket, so he was happy about that. 

Day 13: Signs

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 13: Signs

     I'm not really a huge believer in signs, but sometimes it's nice to think that they really are somewhere, watching over me.  I guess this post, where I talk about the wind chimes Caitlyn got me, is the closest I've come to getting a sign from my babies. 

Day 12: Scents

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 12:  Scents

     This one is really hard for me to come up with something.  At first, I was going to put up a picture of Johnson's Baby Shampoo because I may have opened the bottle to smell it a few times.  But honestly, that smell doesn't remind me of my babies. That smell makes me think of a newborn baby, all clean after a bath.  And my babies never had a bath.  They never smelled like a new baby.  I wish I had something, but I don't. 

Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 11:  Supportive Friends/Family

(No picture today because I don't think my husband would be happy if I put up a picture of him!)

     My family, especially my mom, has been very supportive and always there for me.  But without a doubt, my husband has been my rock.  Sometimes his tough love is a little too tough for me, but he knows what I need.  He was been there for me right from the beginning, taking on each task without a complaint.  When we were trying to get pregnant he gave me my shots every night (though I think he kind of enjoyed this.....lol), brought me drinks and crackers when I was experiencing morning all day sickness, took me maternity clothes shopping, continued to give me shots in my belly our entire pregnancy, never missed a doctor appointment, took me to all my middle of the night E.R. visits, visited me each day in the hospital, followed my ambulance when they transferred me, and was there holding me when each of our children were delivered.
     When we came home, he took care of all my physical needs, always putting my needs before his. He made sure I ate, took my medicine, and had everything I needed. He took so much time off of work and was always home to comfort me, hold me, let me cry on his shoulder.  And now, he lets me lead the way. If I want to talk about the babies, we do. If I want to do something to remember them, we do.  He helps me take pictures of the bears when we're out, lets me bring their ashes where I want, and goes shopping with me when I have an idea and need to find the perfect candle/angel statue/picture frame/etc. 
     I love my husband very much.  If he's this good to me I can only imagine what a great father he would have been and I feel terrible that I can't give him any living children. 

Day 10: Symbol

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 10:  Symbol

     These 3 bears have become very important to me.  When they're not with me, or traveling the world (the above picture is in the Domincan Republic), they stay with the babies.   

Day 9: Special Place

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 9:  Special Place

Their nursery.

     I don't really have a particular place I go to that brings me peace, but I do enjoy sitting in their nursery.  It's pretty empty now since their mattresses were returned and their furniture order was cancelled, but I still go in every day.  I like to sit on the floor, rock their ashes in the swing, and look through their memory boxes.  It's peaceful in there, a safe spot where I can cry all I want. A place where I feel close to my babies, even if they never did get to sleep in their nursery. 

Day 8: Jewelry

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 8:  Jewelry

     In no particular order (okay, I lied...the first one is my favorite, but the rest are in no particular order!) here are the pieces of jewelry that I have in remembrance of my babies:

From my Mom, so their ashes can always be close to me.

 

A pin from my GodMother

 

From Sheri'

 

From a friend at work

 

From a friend at work

 

I bought this for myself to wear in October for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.  I bought it to remember LoveBug, never imagining that the following year I'd be wearing it in memory of 3 more babies.  And yes, it's missing a pink stone. :(

 

     What I love about each of my necklaces is that they're all a little different and incorporate the babies in different ways.  I wear all of them, depending on what I'm wearing and who I'll see.  



Day 7: What To Say

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 7:  What To Say

Ryker.

Tommy.

MaryElizabeth.

     Yes, I may cry when I hear their names.  But you know what? I cry.  Every. Single. Day. I NEED to hear their names. I NEED to know that others are thinking about and care about my babies. My babies were real.  They grew inside of me for months. I felt their kicks, I felt them move.  They were born.  Tommy and MaryElizabeth lived for hours.  All 3 of them are a part of us. We created them.  When no one mentions their names, I feel like they don't care, that they don't think of them as our children.  But Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth are our 3 precious children, our two sons and daughter, and always will be a part of our family.  Say their names.

Day 6: What Not To Say (Edited)

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 6:  What Not To Say

*Edited to add:  Please don't feel bad if you have said one of these things to me in the past.  I understand that it is really hard to talk to someone about their dead children, and that it's really hard to know what they want to hear. Everyone is so different.  I've learned this recently, with support groups I've attended.  Some people don't want to mention their child's name, some do. Some don't want to relive every single moment, some do.  Everyone grieves differently and wants different things.  I know you meant well, and I don't hold it against you. I never called anyone up and said what I wanted to hear and what I didn't want to hear, so you really had no way of knowing. 

You can always have another.

                Do you know this for a fact? Can you guarantee I won’t have another loss? No, you can’t. So don’t say it.  And would you say this to someone who lost their parent? Or their sibling? No, you wouldn’t. So don’t say it to me.  Even if we do someday have another child Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth will not be forgotten or replaced.  I will still grieve for them. I will still miss them. They will always be my children.

You’re young.

                What does my age have anything to do with this?  Do I hurt less because I’m only 28?  No, I don’t.

I know how you feel; I (had a miscarriage, lost a pet, lost a loved one, etc.)

                While you may understand the feelings of loss, you have NO IDEA how I am feeling. 

It was God’s Plan.

                Maybe that’s what you believe, but I don’t.  I can’t see any reason why my 3 children had to die, why they would be given to me just to be taken away.

Let me know if you need something.
                Many people say this, and I’m sure they mean well, but it’s pointless.  I’m not going to be a burden and ask you for anything.   Just do something. Send us a card, send a quick e-mail saying you are thinking of us, just stop over, or give us a call. Sometimes it’s the little things that let us know you are thinking of our children that are the most helpful. 

You’re so small.

                Are you trying to make me feel worse?  What does this even mean? That I’m too tiny and it’s my fault they died because I was ‘too small’ to carry them? For the record, all of my doctors have said that my size has nothing to do with what happened.  And I know plenty of women, some smaller than I am, who have carried and delivered 3, 4, even 5 healthy babies. 

Three would have been too much for you anyway. 

                  I have no words for this one. It angers me so much, more than I can even describe. 

But by far, the worst thing you can say is nothing at all. 

                I’m so hurt by the people who ignore me, or talk to me like nothing happened.  My babies were born.  They lived.  I touched their 30 tiny toes, their 30 tiny fingers. I held them, I loved them.  They were fully formed beautiful babies, just born too soon.  Don’t ignore the fact that we have 3 beautiful children.  Don't give up on us.

*Edited to add:  I understand why people say nothing, because they don't know what to say to me.  But sometimes, just saying I don't know what to say is better than not saying anything.  And please realize, I am writing this now, four months after my babies died.  In the very beginning, no, I didn't want to talk about anything.  But now, I do. I want to talk about my babies. I want to share their photo book with you if you want to see it.  I want to have things around my house to remember them by.  I want their memories to live on. 

Day 5: Memorial

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 5:  Memorial

      I didn't plan to create a memorial garden, but now that I have one I love it. I find peace in sitting outside, listening to the wind chimes and looking at The Baby Garden as I call it. The school I work for sent me 3 beautiful plants and Michael redid our entire side garden out front to make it perfect for our babies. The plant on the left is a Pink Azalea, so that one's for MaryElizabeth.  I'm not sure what the other two are, but the middle one is for Tommy, and the end one is for Ryker.

      We have had the anchor sign for a few years now, but I wanted something that represented us, so we kept it there.  We've also had the lighthouse, but it's important that the babies aren't in the dark so we put that there, too.  I found the 3 angels at Boscovs, the wind chimes are from Caitlyn, the other plant was already there, and the rocks Michael added for decoration.  I do want to get stepping stones or rocks with each of their names, but I havne't been able to find what I'm looking for yet.  

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

     Without a doubt, my most treasured item is their ashes.  We had our babies cremated, in separate urns, but keep them in this box so they're together.  As I expected, MaryElizabeth's name is wrong.  They put a space between the two names and didn't put her middle initial on the box.  At first I was really upset by this, and the funeral home director offered to change it, but I kind of like the fact that we have that in common. 
     I don't plan to keep them in this box forever and have picked out 3 really nice wooden urns for them, but I just can't find the courage to order them.  Ordering an urn, let alone 3, is just something that no parent should have to do and I'm having such a hard time doing it.  Someday soon I'm sure I will do it, but for now, this works for me. 

Day 3: Self Portrait, After Loss

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 3: Self Portrait, After Loss

     This was taken a little over a month after the triplets were born.   We went for an evening boat ride and split a bottle of wine.   The water was perfect, calm. The weather  was perfect, cool. The wine was perfect, cold.  The boat was perfect, it ran.  My blanket was perfect, it kept me warm.  Sounds like a perfect night, right? But I cried. All night long. 

     I shouldn't have been on the boat. I shouldn't have been able to have a glass of wine.  I shouldn't have been relaxing.

      I should have been home, resting.  My babies should have been inside of me, growing strong.

      The good thing about that night, and many more evening boat rides, was that it gave Michael and I a chance to talk, a chance for us to talk about the beautiful children we created, without the distractions of life.  There really is nothing more peaceful than watching the sunset cuddled with your love, smelling the salt water and feeling the boat rock beneath you with each small ripple in the water.  In some small way, I felt more connected to the babies.

     So I smiled, a small smile, but not because I was happy to be there on the boat, but because we did make 3 beautiful children whom we both love with all of our hearts.   

Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 2:  Before Loss Self Portrait

      Today, I'm supposed to share a photo of myself before my loss.  The first word that comes to my mind when I think of myself before my loss is naive, and I picture my wedding day.  I was so happy, so carefree, so excited to be marrying the love of my life.  And for the record, Michael still is the love of my life!  But I was naive.  When we got married, we had just bought our first home, and I couldn't help but think that a baby would be next. I was on birth control but naively thought that as soon as we decided to go off of it (2 looong years later!), we'd be bringing home a precious baby 9 months later.  Well, here we are over 4.5 years later, and no baby.  Well, no living babies. 

     So, here is my self portrait, during happier times. 

2/22/08

Day 1: Sunrise

See this post to read why I'm doing this.

Day 1: Sunrise

 

Barnegat Dock, Barnegat, NJ 6:45 am 10/2/12

 

 

     This was the first time I have ever gotten up early just to watch the sun rise.  I usually hate getting up early, but knowing I was doing it for my babies made it okay.  And I have to admit, although I wasn't thrilled it was a cloudy morning, it was surprisingly very calming to be up early, watching the sun slowly come up. 

 

     Next time I'm going to bring a blanket and a mug of coffee. 

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

     October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  This year, in memory of LoveBug, Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth, I am going to participate in a project CarlyMarie is hosting.  You may recognize that name because she is the person who created the beautiful sunsets for our triplets.  Anyway, check out the link below:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html

     Her project, Capture Your Grief, is a 31 day photograph challenge.  She has created 31 daily subjects and it is a way for all of us to honor and remember our children who were taken too soon.  I can guarantee that I will not be participating every day (hm, I've already missed Day 1!), but I am going to do all 31 days, just in my own time. So some days I'll do more than 1 day and some days I won't have any.  I'm okay with that. 

     Stay tuned for Day 1:  (borrowed from the above blog link)  Day 1. Sunrise I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!}