First Christmas Present

      Yes, I know it's only September, but it's not my fault the stores are already decorating! I had to go to Kohls today because I had $30 in Kohls Cash that was expiring and I couldn't believe they had Christmas music and decorations out already! So even though I think it's ridiculously early, I admit I still walked by and looked at everything. And when I found these, I couldn't resist!

      They're tiny, just like my babies, and the perfect thing to put up for them during the holidays. I have a feeling this is going to be a very difficult Christmas...

Seasons End

      Summer is officially over.  That means a whole season has passed, a long season, without my babies.   

     The other night, after a normal, mentally exhausting day of work, I came home early and went right to bed.  It was the last night of summer, a beautiful night, and all of our windows were open.  As I relaxed in bed I could hear the neighborhood children running around, playing outside.  Their laughs and squeels of happiness were like daggers to my heart as I couldn't help but think that my children would never run around. They would never be carefree, happy children, enjoying a summer night with friends.  There are so many things they will never get to experience, and it hurts so much to know that. 

    But I'm glad I deicided not to close the window that night because the following night (this time it was actually bed time when I went to bed!) I was drifting off to sleep and suddenly woke up, with such an overwhelming feeling that my children were near. Well, technically they were since I sleep right next to their ashes,  but this was different.  It took me a few moments, but I realized their windchimes were playing such a sweet, soothing song.  A sign? Probably not.  It's more likely it was just a windy night.  But I'd like to think they were playing their mommy a little song so she could go to sleep. 

     Thank you, Caitlyn, for getting me such a special gift. I love you babe!

    

3 Month Angelversary

     3 Months.  I don't know what to think about that.  Has it been a long 3 months? Has it been a short 3 months? I don't know. All I do know is that  I miss my babies so, so much.  I think about them every single day.  I think about the things I would be doing with them. I think about how much they would have grown. I think about how different our life would be.  And then I cry.  I just want to hold them, kiss them, see them. I want them here with me.

     I started school this week, and though numerous people told me it would be good for me to have a routine and focus on something else, it didn't help.  In fact, it was harder than I thought it would be.  The questions, the looks, it was all too much for me.  Maybe in time that will change, but in my eyes I'm just doing one more thing that I shouldn't be. I should be on maternity leave right now. I should have 3 precious little babies to take care of. I should be happy.  It's so hard to do things that I shouldn't be doing.  Will that feeling ever go away? 

     Do you like the new pictures I added?  Carly Marie, http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/11/are-you-here-for-first-time.html, does such a beautiful job.  In memory of her son that she lost, she goes to the beach and will write in the sand the name of any child lost too soon, at sunset.  I love the ones she made for Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth. They're perfect, aren't they? 

  

    

Tomorrow

     I should be starting my maternity leave tomorrow.

     I should have 3 living children.

     I should have a house filled with baby equipment and toys.

     I should be exhausted from a sleepless night.

     My life could be so different right now, full instead of empty.  But it's not.  So I sit here on my last day of summer vacation and think about everything that has happened in the past 3 months.  In some ways I am not ready to go back to work tomorrow.  Will my students ask me what happened to the babies? I have many of the same students this year that I did last year and they all knew I was pregnant with triplets.  I'm sure a one line of "they were born too early and didn't make it" will suffice, but still.  Can I say that without crying in front of them?  Or maybe they won't even remember. I mean, they are middle school students after all and will probably be too excited to tell me about their summer vacations than to ask me what happened.  More so, I'm worried about what the other teachers I work with will say.  Will they upset me by saying the wrong thing? Or worse, will they say nothing and not acknowledge my 3 beautiful children?  On the other hand, I'm ready to go back to work.  I need some structure to my day. I need a reason to get up each morning. I need work to keep my mind occupied.  So tomorrow, I will start a new school year, but as a different person than I once was. 

     I miss my babies so much.