Molly Bears

     http://www.mollybears.com/ 

     If you have time, check out this link and read her story.  In short, this woman's baby, Molly, died in utero and now this woman makes weighted teddy bears to send to grieving mom's.  I ordered mine almost a year ago (now the wait time is almost 2 years!) and was so excited when my bears finally arrived.

 

L to R: Ryker, MaryElizabeth, and Tommy's bear

 

     Each bear weighs exactly how much my babies weighed and you can clearly feel the difference between Ryker and MaryElizabeth's bear.  I love how the volunteer who made these used the colors I requested and even sent me a beautiful note saying they were made with love in memory of my babies. 

 

     I have been holding a lot of babies lately and it's so nice to be able to hold these bears and remember how my babies felt in my arms.  I don't ever want to forget that.  

Blog Changes

     I've been thinking of changing this blog for a while now, but have been unable to do it.  It was supposed to be our family blog, a place to update everyone on how the triplets are doing. But when your babies die, there really isn't anything to update.  I thought of starting a new blog, but then I realized, this is still our family blog.  The triplets are, and always will be, a part of our family.  They are our first born children and are a part of our story.  Our future children will grow up knowing they have guardian angels in heaven. Their pictures will remain out.  Their garden will be tended to.  They (their ashes) will continue to come to family events.  They will be spoken of, and remembered.  This is what I want.  Don't be afraid to mention them because you think it will upset me.  It's more upsetting to think that they will be forgotten. 

     That being said, this blog isn't just about 30 Tiny Toes.  It's about our entire family, those with us and those whom aren't.  I will continue to write about Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth, but I will also write about us, and hopefully someday, our future children. 

     Any ideas for a new blog title?

Do you have children?

     I can't even recall how many times I have innocently asked that question, never knowing how much pain it can bring someone.  It's been over a year, yet that question still renders me speechless and brings tears to my eyes.  If I say no, I feel like I am dishonoring my children.  I do have 3 children, Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth.  But if I say yes, then questions always follow. I admit, one time I told someone I had triplets that were almost a year old.  Their response was something along the lines of having my hands full, and I said, yes, I sure do!  Not exactly a lie, but not exactly the truth either.  So if I'm asked how old they are, do I lie? Do I say how old they would be? Or do I say they're dead?  If I say how old they would be, then questions always follow that I can't answer. If I say they're dead, it makes the other person feel very uncomfortable and sometimes makes them cry, which makes me feel bad.  So I have come up with 2 standard responses, depending on who is asking. I either respond no (and feel extremely guilty and upset for the rest of the day) or yes, I have 3 beautiful angels in heaven. 

     Today I had to give blood and the women taking my information was talking about how nervous she was because her son just got a motorcycle. Then she casually asked me if I had any children and I froze.  Tears sprang to my eyes and I just couldn't answer.  She apologized and I felt bad for putting her in an awkward position.  It's so hard.  I want people to recognize that I have 3 children. I want to talk about them. I want to look at their pictures and remember the sweet moments I had with them.  But it just makes me so, so sad.