Mother's Day

     I survived yet another first:  my first Mother's Day being a mother of dead children. It definitely wasn't easy and lots of tears were shed. It's a different kind of Mother's Day than I imagined.  You don't get gifts, flowers, or cards.  No breakfast in bed.  No one wishes you a happy Mother's Day.  No one knows the right words to say to you so they avoid you.  But what I did get, was to spend the day looking at the beautiful faces of my 3 precious children and rocking them in their room.  Granted, I looked at a photograph and rocked their ashes, but it did give me some comfort to be able to spend that time with them.  I am so thankful that I have so many beautiful pictures to remember my babies by, pictures that I will treasure forever.  And I am confident in my decision to have them cremated, so I can always have them here with me.  So although having dead babies on Mother's Day is not something anyone should ever have to experience, at least I do have memories of time spent with them, pictures, and their ashes.  So for this Mother's Day, I am thankful for that. 

     Fortunately, the weather cooperated that day and Michael and I were able to get the babies' garden ready for spring. It's not a finished project yet, but I like how it looks so far. 

11 Months

I keep typing and deleting because nothing sounds right. How do you really put into words how you feel when your dead children turn another month 'older'? Especially When this will be the last month anniversary because the months are now turning into years? I truly hope you can't answer that because honestly, this pain is so great that I wouldn't even wish it upon my worst enemy.

I know I need to accept what happened and continue on with my life, but I just can't. I love Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth so much, more than I could ever imagine. Michael and I created these 3 perfect, beautiful babies, and I failed them. I absolutely HATE myself for that. The guilt of failing my children is eating me up and I just wish so bad that things were different.

This is going to be a very rough weekend. Each day brings me closer to their year birthday, something I am dreading so much. And even more so, Mothers Day. How does one celebrate mothers day when her children are no longer alive, when they only lived for a few short hours? Am I even a mother if all of my (4) children are dead? Or is this a holiday for women who actually have living children and I'm not included? I wish I didn't have to think about this. I wish my life had had a happy ending. I just wish my babies were here, with me.