I keep typing and deleting because nothing sounds right. How do you really put into words how you feel when your dead children turn another month 'older'? Especially When this will be the last month anniversary because the months are now turning into years? I truly hope you can't answer that because honestly, this pain is so great that I wouldn't even wish it upon my worst enemy.
I know I need to accept what happened and continue on with my life, but I just can't. I love Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth so much, more than I could ever imagine. Michael and I created these 3 perfect, beautiful babies, and I failed them. I absolutely HATE myself for that. The guilt of failing my children is eating me up and I just wish so bad that things were different.
This is going to be a very rough weekend. Each day brings me closer to their year birthday, something I am dreading so much. And even more so, Mothers Day. How does one celebrate mothers day when her children are no longer alive, when they only lived for a few short hours? Am I even a mother if all of my (4) children are dead? Or is this a holiday for women who actually have living children and I'm not included? I wish I didn't have to think about this. I wish my life had had a happy ending. I just wish my babies were here, with me.
(((((hugs))))) And yes, you are a Mother.
ReplyDeleteI second Megan, you are most certainly a mother and a wonderful one as well. I am thinking of you and hoping this weekend passes quickly ... I can't even imagine how difficult this must be. Sending love. *hugs*
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