April

     April 2010, 3 years ago, was such a happy month for me.  Michael finally agreed that we could start trying for our family and I just knew it would happen right away.  For 6 months I did everything I could: took my temperature every morning at 6am, ate well, researched everything baby related, calculated my due date 'if' this were to be the month, took my prenatal vitamins, used ovulation tests, and um, ahem, did what needed to be done to make a baby. :)  And nothing.  Nothing at all happened.  In fact, it was pretty obvious from the negative ovulation tests and long cycles that something wasn't right.  So we went to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and so began even more heartache. 
     Never in my wildest imaginations did I ever think that 3 years later I'd have had one miscarriage, experienced a d&c, and given birth to 3 children, 1 of whom was stillborn and the other two whom I had to watch fade away.  It's too much heartache for one person to handle.
     Sometimes life is just so unfair.  I worked so hard to conceive those babies and even harder to keep them safe.   I thought I did everything right.  But did I??? Maybe there's something I did that was wrong.  Maybe I should have stayed off my feet more, ate more, left work earlier, drank more water, went to the hospital sooner, or a million other things.  I just absolutely HATE the not knowing.  Why did my babies have to die??? WHY? WHY? WHY?  I need to know.  Was it me? Can my body just not handle triplets? Can my body not handle any baby? Do I have some unknown disorder?  Did I get a random infection? Do I have an incompetent cervix?  Sometimes I am just SO, SO ANGRY at how things have turned out for me. It's so hard to realize that my dreams are gone, shattered, never to be had.  Yes, I know that things can change and someday we might have other children (thought I can NOT think of that yet), but what I really want I will never have. I want Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth, here, with me.