Tomorrow

     I should be starting my maternity leave tomorrow.

     I should have 3 living children.

     I should have a house filled with baby equipment and toys.

     I should be exhausted from a sleepless night.

     My life could be so different right now, full instead of empty.  But it's not.  So I sit here on my last day of summer vacation and think about everything that has happened in the past 3 months.  In some ways I am not ready to go back to work tomorrow.  Will my students ask me what happened to the babies? I have many of the same students this year that I did last year and they all knew I was pregnant with triplets.  I'm sure a one line of "they were born too early and didn't make it" will suffice, but still.  Can I say that without crying in front of them?  Or maybe they won't even remember. I mean, they are middle school students after all and will probably be too excited to tell me about their summer vacations than to ask me what happened.  More so, I'm worried about what the other teachers I work with will say.  Will they upset me by saying the wrong thing? Or worse, will they say nothing and not acknowledge my 3 beautiful children?  On the other hand, I'm ready to go back to work.  I need some structure to my day. I need a reason to get up each morning. I need work to keep my mind occupied.  So tomorrow, I will start a new school year, but as a different person than I once was. 

     I miss my babies so much.