3 Weeks

     I have a beautiful, healthy, almost 20 year old sister who was born at 26 weeks.  She went through so much as a baby, but looking at her now you would never know it.  My babies would be almost 26 weeks along right now.  They would have made it. They would have had to fight, but they would have been okay. I know it.  But instead, my body failed me and they were born 3 weeks ago, too soon to have a fair chance at life.

     Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.  I can close my eyes and feel the pain of laboring, the love I felt when they were each born, the heartache I felt holding their limp bodies. Sometimes I feel like this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up any moment now.  Sometimes at night I'll put my hands over my stomach, fully expecting to feel my belly, and there's nothing there.  Sometimes I blame myself. Sometimes I blame the doctors.  Sometimes I have happy dreams of what could have been. Sometimes I have sad dreams, reliving things over and over and over. Sometimes I say their names out loud and cry. Sometimes I say their names and smile.  Always, I love and remember my babies.

     Mommy misses you so much Ryker, Tommy, and MaryElizabeth.