Do you have children?

     I can't even recall how many times I have innocently asked that question, never knowing how much pain it can bring someone.  It's been over a year, yet that question still renders me speechless and brings tears to my eyes.  If I say no, I feel like I am dishonoring my children.  I do have 3 children, Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth.  But if I say yes, then questions always follow. I admit, one time I told someone I had triplets that were almost a year old.  Their response was something along the lines of having my hands full, and I said, yes, I sure do!  Not exactly a lie, but not exactly the truth either.  So if I'm asked how old they are, do I lie? Do I say how old they would be? Or do I say they're dead?  If I say how old they would be, then questions always follow that I can't answer. If I say they're dead, it makes the other person feel very uncomfortable and sometimes makes them cry, which makes me feel bad.  So I have come up with 2 standard responses, depending on who is asking. I either respond no (and feel extremely guilty and upset for the rest of the day) or yes, I have 3 beautiful angels in heaven. 

     Today I had to give blood and the women taking my information was talking about how nervous she was because her son just got a motorcycle. Then she casually asked me if I had any children and I froze.  Tears sprang to my eyes and I just couldn't answer.  She apologized and I felt bad for putting her in an awkward position.  It's so hard.  I want people to recognize that I have 3 children. I want to talk about them. I want to look at their pictures and remember the sweet moments I had with them.  But it just makes me so, so sad.