An Unexpected Surprise

     June 9, 2013 should have been such a happy, joyful day for us.  We should have been celebrating Ryker, Tommy and MaryElizabeth's first birthday.  But instead of being able to give my children a birthday present, they gave me the most precious present of all: life.  I didn't think about it at the time, but I like to think now that they are up in heaven watching over me and knew that I was in a bad place.  They didn't like to see their mommy so sad, and so they sent me this tiny present:

 

 

     Yes, I am pregnant.  16 weeks and 4 days along to be exact.  So far things are looking good. The baby is growing on schedule and all of the testing for different chromosomal abnormalities has come back negative.  Physically I'm doing okay, just sore when I'm on my feet too much. Emotionally, I'm a mess.  I'm happy to have this opportunity, and I want a living baby more than anything, but my emotions are just all over the place. Sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is passing time, waiting for this baby to die too.  I'm trying very hard to be positive, but it's difficult based on past experiences.         

     This pregnancy is completely different than last time. For starters, there is definitely only 1 baby.  But I'm not as excited as I was last time. I'm not doing weekly posts or taking my weekly bump  pictures and sometimes I feel guilty for that.  This baby deserves to be loved and wanted right from the start. And I do love and want this baby, it's just so hard to not think about what I should have right now.  I know things are only going to be more difficult over the next 8 weeks while I wait for viability to arrive.  I'm hoping that once I am farther along than I was last time that I will be able to enjoy this.  Don't get my wrong, I do have moments where I enjoy being pregnant. I admit to browsing online at baby items, to walking through the baby department at a store, and even to walking in the nursery and thinking of how it could be set up.  But those moments are rare and usually leave me with an ache in my heart. 

     I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that for right now, I have a living baby inside of me who has already stolen my heart.